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Baerana

A user's manual to Baerana


This started out as a meme floating around.  I liked the idea of just writing down your needs from friends and other relationships.   My problem with relations of any stripe tends to be I don't express my needs at all, not wanting to seem too demanding or high-maintenance.  Then I'm sad when the needs aren't met.    That's silly :)  So, I'm trying this.

1) Known issues in the Baerana System
2) General usage information
3) Specific types of relationships


Known bugs/issues in Baerana:
Baerana has trouble understanding things without clear, spelled out rules and boundaries.  If Baerana crosses a boundary, it's because she didn't understand it was there. 

Baerana asks a lot of questions.  Baerana needs to talk about a situation until all involved understand.  Since Baerana is slow to understand, she will often ask too many questions, coming at the problem from all angles until she understands.  Stating your position then refusing to allow Baerana to state her position or ask any questions will cause her brain to melt.

Baerana's trust chip was broken many years ago.  Attempts to re-solder it into place have been iffy at best.  Please do not fuck with Baerana's trust chip.   It may combust in a manner resembling an explosion.

Baerana is clueless and goofy and clumsy and a general mess. If the Baerana unit has hurt you, bothered you, whatever - assume it's not on purpose. It almost certainly isn't.  Tell the unit what the problem is, provide specific examples, and the unit will do everything possible to fix it.


Info applying to all the people in my life:

There is one important thing I promise all the people in my life, and I'd like them to promise me in return. And that is, no matter if we have a fight, disagreement, miscommunication, whatever, the lines of communication will never be severed. Refusing to speak or discuss it is the only thing a relationship can't come back from. (OK, well, that's not true, there are things like murder, etc.)  But talking until all parties understand is a requirement. 

  • If we are having a phone call, and for whatever reason we get disconnected, the person who initiated the original call calls back.  This prevents us from calling at the same time and getting busy signals, etc.
  • bodily fluids that creep me out the most - sweat and spit. Worse than blood, urine, or vomit. The only things that gross me out more than sweat or spit are dirty mop water and dirty dish water.
  • words I HATE - period (as in "your/my"), bra, deodorant, panties, zit, fart.  Basically anything that has to do w/ bodily functions, particularly female specific bodily functions.  I just learned to be ok saying "toilet paper"
  • If I mention an animal I like, please don't feel the need to tell me they eat bunnies.  I fucking get it already.  EVERYTHING eats bunnies.  They are nature's TV dinner.  No need to keep reminding me of that.
  • If you are going to accuse me of something (and anything that starts with "you always..." "you never..." etc. is an accusation) you MUST provide at least one example of said behavior.  Sorry, that's just the way I work.
  • I love and appreciate honesty.  But honesty doesn't mean rudeness.  Being "blunt," if it means hurting someone, isn't a virtue.  You can be honest and still polite and considerate of others' feelings. 

What drives you crazy?
One thing that makes me crazy is a certain type of "joke."   The kind of joke that, to me, isn't a joke.  I don't know the purpose of the type of joke I'm talking about.  I guess it's just to see if you can make people believe something that isn't true. Example -
"joke" teller:  "I have an uncle named Bob."
me:  "yeah?  that's cool."
"joke" teller:  "naw, I'm just kidding.  hahaha."

another example:
"joke" teller: "everyone in my family was born on February 29th"
me:  "wow, that's amazing!"
"joke" teller: "haha, I'm just kidding."

I'm naive.  I'm gullible.  It is easy to trick me.  So, there is no challenge.  So, just don't!  It just pisses me off.

Also, if you are ever about to do something, and in your head, your excuse would be "I just do it because I know it bothers you" then don't.


How can I tell if you are angry?
If you don't know, assume I'm not. If that isn't good enough for you, ask. Once. Not over and over until I actually become angry.

How should I behave around you if you're angry?
Am I angry at you? We should talk about it.
Am I angry at someone/thing else? We should talk about it. I appreciate support, which isn't the same as saying you need to agree w/ me 100%.
If I don't want to talk about it? Don't push me. But hugs, petting, etc. is always appreciated.

how should I behave if I am angry at you?
Tell me! I'm dense! But it's unlikely I did anything intentionally to hurt you. So, we need to talk about it. Until it's resolved. Going away and severing the lines of communication is the WORST. And is quite likely to end the relationship. There is a difference between "i need to calm down so let's talk later" and "i refuse to talk"

How do you want me to behave when you are hurting emotionally? (How is it best to comfort you?)
Talk and touch.

Are there things we should not discuss?
I can't think of anything.

How should I treat you if you are physically ill?
Asking me if I need anything is good. Holding my hair while I vomit (though a bunch of people watching me vomit makes me feel horrible), ice packs, fetching of meds, soup/crackers, water... all that. Again, touch is good. Not being grossed out is good. General "taking care of" is good. Insisting I take some med or go to the doctor - or any pushing in general - is not good.

How would you like me to recognize your birthday?
Don't.  I hate my birthday and really, really never want to celebrate it.  It's unlikely I will ever even tell you the date.

Are there any standing categories of presents that would be appropriate or unwelcome?
Good: compliments, books, spending big gobs of time with me, anything related to bunnies, anything cute/pretty/meaningful i can put on my shelves - smooshed pennies, post cards, keychains...
Bad: things I'm against for moral/political reasons - diamonds, fur, etc. - chocolate, 'cause I don't like it, and flowers, 'cause they die, are a waste of money, and I have allergies - but i love presents and knowing someone thought of me. So, the worst present is still better than no present :)

Who are the most important people in your life to whom I should defer when making plans on your behalf?
um... if making plans on my behalf, you better be SURE :)
but talking to b2s (my live-in)  first would be a good idea

Any other tips on handling Baerana?
  • be honest
  • I always want to know - over-sharing is never a problem
  • there is no such thing as TMI
  • I want to know/understand everything about the people I care about
  • be consistent
  • don't make me guess what you are thinking/feeling
  • don't lie, ever, even a little
  • talk, talk, talk
  • listen, listen, listen
  • don't put words in my mouth - assume the words coming out of my mouth are the words I actually mean.
  • never assume malice when incompetence can be blamed - and I'm often incompetent - I'm clueless and goofy and clumsy and a general mess. If I've hurt you, bothered you, whatever - assume it's not on purpose. It almost certainly isn't. I'm just a big dork. Tell me what the problem is, provide specific examples, and we'll fix it.
  • love me and accept me. I will love you and accept you.
  • ask me to do you favors - I LOVE it. I LOVE taking care of and helping the people I care about. This means YOU!!!

And tell me what you need!! Again, I'm clueless! I want to do what you need, but I need to be told, and that generally involves specifics.

I have some issues, but I don't expect my friends to remember or worry about these issues.  For example, I have some food allergies.  But you don't need to worry about that, it's my job to figure out if something is ok for me to eat.  I also don't hear very well on my left side, but you don't need to worry about trying to sit on my "good" side, I'll deal with that.  :)  I do have some physical limitations, so if I say I can't do something, accept that and don't push..

If I seem to be in physical pain, or if I seem unreasonably upset/angry, it is ok to ask if I took my meds today.  Ask once.  Do not push.  Do not accuse me of being irrational.  Calling me sweetie/honey/whatever is probably a good move :)    It is also ok to ask me if I'm having PMS.  Ask gently and don't assume that because I'm passionate or upset about something, it's all hormonal.

In general, don't push me.  Don't ask me to do something over and over until I give in.  Don't say, "come on, you are doing this."  Asking once, a couple of times, saying please, asking me if I'm sure, is ok.  But pushing until I give in IS NOT.  It may get me to do what you want in the short term, but it makes me angry and resentful at you, and it makes me feel weak and stupid.


Types of relationships:
romantic partners/boyfriends/girlfriends

best friends - my best friends, friends who are so close, they are stuck w/ me for life.  I take them into consideration when making life, or other, plans.  These people are what family means to me.

friends - people I love, and love spending time with, who can come to me for anything.  (If you are on my LJ (livejournal) friends list, there is a good chance you are in this category.  And if you aren't on LJ, but I IM/email/call/whatever you, then you are a friend.  Even if we don't talk as much as I wish we did.)

friends+  - aka, friends w/ benefits.  Though that phrase bothers me a bit, because friendship IS a huge benefit

acquaintances - I like you and wish to know you better.  This includes some people I just see around and wish I had more time to talk to, and if you are on my LJ friends list, you are AT LEAST in this category.  :)

romantic partners/boyfriends/girlfriends:

I have the most trouble expressing my needs to partners.   I've been working on this for a long time, and I think I'm getting better.  I'm trying, at least :)

I'd like to be called, emailed, IMed, etc. about three times a week.  Mostly, I just need to not be the only one in the relationship initiating conversations.

I give a lot of gifts.  The best response is "thank you!"  "Wow, that's great" is also acceptable.  "This is the best gift ever" is appreciated but not a requirement :)

For me, gift giving is a sign the other person is on your mind.  I think ideally on average a gift every 6 months, and every time you return from a trip longer than 3 days, is ideal.  I do expect some gesture on our anniversary.  The amount of money spent is not an issue - free/cheap is great.  I just want to know I'm being thought of.  And I like being able to look at something that represents the relationship or the feelings when you aren't around.

Compliments at least once a week, not followed by a qualifier (as in:  "you are so good at that.  Of course, you've always been good at the mundane") are much appreciated.

In a perfect world, there would be a surprise of a romantic nature on average once a year.

I want my partners to pay attention to the things I say and the things that are important to me.

I do need sexual contact on a regular basis.  But more importantly, I need touch, affection, feeling desired, being held or holding you, on a much more regular basis. 

I like to spoil my partners.  Well, I spoil everyone, including animals, I can.  But partners in particular.  You accepting being spoiled makes me happy :)

It's important for my partners to read my online journal -  baerana.livejournal.com.  It may seem silly, like "it's just a online blog, it doesn't mean anything" but it's important to me.   I don't see online communication as "less real" than other kinds, and there are a lot of things I say in my journal that I can't say in person.

There is a filter on my journal for partners and best friends.  These posts are labeled, and when you see them, reading and replying (if possible) is a HUGE deal to me.  These posts are usually about something so big I can't handle it by myself.

Best friends:

I think if you fall in this category, you know.  I love you.  I love you like a  brother or sister and would rather lose an arm than lose you.  I would easily die or kill for you.  I want you to come to me for anything.  And that means you can call at 3AM (or 3PM) or whatever you need, whenever.  I will talk/listen/hold you/come get you/feed you/fly around the world/whatever you need.

It's important for my best friends to read my online journal - baerana.livejournal.com.  It may seem silly, like "it's just a online blog, it doesn't mean anything" but it's important to me.   I don't see online communication as "less real" than other kinds, and there are a lot of things I say in my journal that I can't say in person.

There is a filter on my journal for partners and best friends.  These posts are labeled, and when you see them, reading and replying (if possible) is a HUGE deal to me.  These posts are usually about something so big I can't handle it by myself.

Friends:

I love my friends, they are my chosen family.  There is one important thing I promise all my friends, and I'd like them to promise me in return. And that is, no matter if we have a fight, disagreement, miscommunication, whatever, the lines of communication will never be severed. Refusing to speak or discuss it is the only thing a relationship can't come back from. (OK, well, that's not true, there are things like murder, etc.)

honesty
I don't mean a friend has to tell me everything. I mean, I sure as hell don't do that - for example, no one knows what causes my myriad health problems, and no one is going to know. OTOH, I don't pretend that I'm well. I did that for a while, and it was frustrating for friends not to understand why I wasn't coming out as much as I had been. But when I do tell friends things, I'm honest about the thing and my feelings about it.

directness
If a friend has a problem with me or something I've done, I expect them to come to me, and soon, to discuss it and try to get it resolved. I understand needing some time to process things, but letting things stew doesn't help anyone. And I do return the favor, whether a friend sees that as a favor or not .

being able to turn to each other
I'm here for my friends. I want them to know they can come to me or lean on me if there is ever anything they need. And I've been working in recent years on letting friends do the same for me.  And that means you can call at 3AM or whatever you need, whenever.  I will talk/listen/hold you/come get you/feed you/whatever you need.  (if you are on my LJ list, you can send me an SMS from my profile page, if you don't happen to have my number)

Friends+

Well, this pretty much means friends (so everything in the previous category) with some sexual contact.  No particular rules or requirements (other than normal friend stuff and safe sex stuff).  It's probably even more important to respect each others feelings, make sure never to cross each others boundaries, and just basically be careful with each other.

acquaintances

What can you really expect from an acquaintances?  Well, the respect humans owe each other, of course.  If I bother talking to you when I see you (and recognize you - remember the face blindness) or when I see you online, or if you are on my LJ friends list but we don't get a chance to talk much, that means I'd love for you to make the leap into friend if we can manage it and you are so inclined.  I have a finite amount of time, so if I spend ANY on you, you can assume I like you.  If you never need anything, an ear, to be rescued, whatever, please keep me in mind.  If there is any way I can help you, I will do whatever is in my power to do so.  (if you are on my LJ list, you can send me an SMS from my profile page.)